I have been run ragged this past week. I've had a week full of finals. You'd think "booty skool" wouldn't have any homework, but in actuality I have more homework than I ever had at University. Tomorrow it's finally over with though and things die down a bit for the next couple months, thank goodness! This current pace is completely wiping me out.

I've also been dealing with a personal situation which may or may not get discussed in the near future. I just have to see how things go. I have a lot of Doctor's appointments lined up though of which I am none too stoked about.

Tonight though, I have a pot of spaghetti sauce I started from scratch simmering on my stove, a glass of merlot in my face, and I only have 3 more paragraphs left to do before I'm finished with the written portion of my project, whee!!!

My mother used to tell me....

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything all.

Chilling out a little bit

Considering the current state that my life has been in the last month and a half, I will say I am EXTREMELY proud of the fact that minus happy pills I've managed to only have a crying break down twice. And both times they only lasted about 10 minutes, go me! I've finally gotten rid of the school stress by consistently reminding myself that they have 20k of my money. They do NOT want me to drop out and take that back. It's going to work out somehow.

So instead of stressing on that issue I've been stressing on the future instead, lol. Now that the finances have been straightened out the reality that I'll be living in Los Angeles in less than a year has hit full force! Not going to lie, I am SO excited. Palm trees, trashy bars that serve amazing martinis, old friends, some of my favorite venues in the country, the ability to walk around dressed like the bastard child of Lady Gaga and Dr. Frank-N-Furter and not even raise an eyebrow from passerbys (not that I would, but I could!) and the SHOPPING! OMG shopping! And the beaches you can't swim in, the warm summer nights spent in rooftop jacuzzi's drinking champagne out of the bottle. The boys that'll hand feed in restaurants when you explain that you don't know how to eat with chopsticks. My FIRST meal when I get out there, is going to be motherfucking Los Tacos! The Grove, 3rd Street, omg I get positively GIDDY just thinking of it!

Then I look in the mirror and quickly realize that I can wait. I'm perfectly ok with waiting. I'm actually very glad that I have a few months here to pull myself back together. Let's face it, no East Coast standard will ever meet L.A.'s standard. It's a whole different world out there, and a world that I love. But I do need to give a shit about myself again. I'm not even bothering to do a stitch of shopping until I move. But I need to care about myself again. I need to get back into my healthy lifestyle. I need to get my confidence back up. I also need to lose 30 pounds in roughly 8 months. At least I finally have motivation!

Halfway There

I finally have the financial portion figured out. I'm totally and completely set for the next year. You shouldn't hear me bitch again about money until I head out into the industry workforce.

Now I just need to get the school portion taken care of. Needless to say, they're being EXTREMELY uncooperative and I'm quickly learning that this particular location anyways, I don't to make a generalization of the entire system, but Providence for sure appears to be more about profit, than students and education. I'll know the final verdict on Tuesday. So help me god if I don't receive an appropriate answer I WILL be sending my Mother in after them. My Mother being the same person that once had a sit-in outside of my High School Vice President's office and was banned from the school which then resulted in a phone sit-in for nearly a week. They do NOT want to deal with my Mother! She's not irrational by any means, if I WAS in the wrong, my Mother would be leading the firing squad herself. But if I'm not, so help the poor person that crosses her daughter for Mama Bear is from Northern Maine. She's a gorgeous human being, but also a whole new breed of tough. Example: I think it was her senior year of high school she came back from winning the state championship for her basketball team just in time to be crowned Queen of Winter Formal. Directly after she received that title, she then won the nail hammering contest.

I have yet to get the family to admit to it, but I'm adopted, obviously.

The fact that everyone, but me, can post on twitter again is really pissing me off, having nothing to do all day makes the days drag on and lack of twitter makes it worse. My life right now, it's really pissing me off. The nightmares I had last night regarding certain people, really upset me. Today I'm having trouble being so upbeat about things and I am officially scared. I'm just counting down the days until I find my way on to the street because at this particular moment, I have absolutely no other options.

Giving up?

Today is the day that I half way give up, since you know walking 7 miles to a school where no one gives a flying fuck because the help my family promised me through this entire thing has vanished as I should have expected it to from day one, and I start applying for real jobs again.

EDIT: Opps! Just Kidding!!! There actually AREN'T any real jobs available. Of the 59 admin/clerical jobs listed in the online newspaper classifieds, 2 I'm not qualified for and the rest are scams. SWEET!

Because just when you think it can't get any worse...

It does. Today the brakes on my car started seizing up. So now I have no money, no job, no phone, and YAY no car! Seriously god just strike me down and get it over with! I think my Mom is going to have to call in for me at school tomorrow, since you know I now have no way to get there. You know at the school where I'm only allowed to miss 2 days a month. There is a VERY good chance that I'm going to wind up one of those mid 20 somethings who moves back in with their parents, along with their enormous college debt, and no degree to show for it.

Life was so grand in California! I had my shit together, I had a well paying job with paid vacations, full benefits completely paid by my employer. I had an AMAZING tan, a fantastic stylist, good friends, and a pretty darn cushy little life going for me. Since I left it, life has been nothing but downhill. Honestly in the past three years I haven't one single success or achievement. It's been one failing job after another. One failed personal relationship after another. From one shitty apartment to even shittier one. I've just slid further and further into debt. In three years I've met 2 people who's friendship I actually care about. Good god I ended up hospitalized! I've been forced to sink to lows that I can't even mention on here. New England, it's official, I HATE YOU! In a perfect world I'd be able to throw everything behind me and transfer to Santa Monica with a job waiting for me. I want to go home. I miss California. New England will always be a huge part of me, I did grow up here and a part of me does love it, but from the day that Greyhound bus descended into the city, the first time I ever stepped foot in Los Angeles, I knew I was home. Sometimes, you just need to get away for a bit to gain some perspective. In actuality though, most likely I'm going to end up with my parents, in the middle of nowhere New Mexico. The lesson I've learned from all of this? When my parents get old my brother and sister are SO taking of them. I wipe my hands clean, I've already paid my dues!